I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?