*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.