I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.