No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
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Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok