He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
A little too much information.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Okay me first
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary