GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
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Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The biggest mystery of our time
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I’ve been drinking.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.