[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
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When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
💻🤡
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
When your parents check you’re ok.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Me checking my bank balance online.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.