Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Spring cleaning checklist…