What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Meanwhile in Canada…
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play