Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.