Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
crazy
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.