Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
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Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️