– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?