The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.