male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
What?!?
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.