No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
felt that
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda