“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
“No way.” -Jose
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!