I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
british sex workers really pound for pound
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons