Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case