My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.