A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
What personal space?
My dog
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.