Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
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I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”