Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
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When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Happy weekend !
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.