Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.