Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
how much for the angry fruit?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.