wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
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If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?