This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…