I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
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“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
how it started vs how it ended
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?