“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Breaking news:
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.