[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
You Might Also Like
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
my professor scared me for a second
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail