For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
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So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
the clam before the storm
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.