My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
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me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*