That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.