“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
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When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”