[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
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9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.