Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
The real reason evolution started..😂
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?