Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
my first day as a raccoon
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.