[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.