HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is