#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.