ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her