Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
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My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’ve been drinking.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Okey dokey.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something