people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious