I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
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abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
describing stardew valley
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…