I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Spa day..😅
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM