WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
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“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Note to self: I am a note
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.