(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.