I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
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True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Only a mother’s love …
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
this is funnier than any friends episode
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!