The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy