Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
me when the borders lift
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The symmetry is uncanny.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time